Avoiding Pitfalls in Parenting Adult Children

Karen Carlson
May 19
4 min read

Parenting is a journey that evolves with each passing year. Just when you think you've mastered the art of raising children, they grow up, and suddenly, you're faced with an entirely new set of challenges. The transition from parenting younger children to adult children can be particularly challenging, as the dynamics shift and traditional parenting approaches no longer apply.

In my book, "Peacefully Parenting Adult Children," I explore the pitfalls many parents encounter when navigating adult children relationships. Today, I'd like to share three common pitfalls and offer guidance on shifting perspectives and outcomes that make them stronger and more peaceful.

Pitfall 1: Expecting Adult Children to Act Grown Up All the Time

Many parents assume that once their child reaches adulthood, they should consistently behave maturely and rationally. However, this expectation often leads to disappointment and conflict.

I recently worked with a mother whose adult son seemed to turn everything into an argument. Simple conversations about holiday plans or family decisions would escalate into heated debates. The mother was frustrated, wondering why her 25-year-old son couldn't just "act like an adult" and have a reasonable discussion.

What she failed to recognize was that her son was still developing emotionally. While he had the physical appearance and many capabilities of an adult, he was still learning to navigate complex emotions and challenging situations. The resolution was hard-fought, requiring patience and understanding from both sides.

The truth is, even as adults, we all have moments of immaturity, emotional reactivity, and poor judgment. Our adult children are no different. They're still growing, learning, and developing their emotional intelligence.

Reflective Questions:

When your adult child behaves in ways that seem immature, how do you typically respond?
Can you recall times when you, as an adult, have reacted emotionally rather than rationally?
How might acknowledging your adult child's ongoing emotional development change your interactions?

Pitfall 2: Not Valuing Input from Their Significant Other

As parents, we often believe we know what's best for our children, even when they're adults. This belief can lead us to dismiss or devalue the input of their significant others, creating tension and resentment.

One of the most heartbreaking situations I've encountered is when an adult child decides to "go no contact" with their parents. In many cases, this decision comes after years of feeling that their partner's opinions and feelings were disregarded or disrespected by their parents.

The path back from such a split is difficult and painful. It requires humility, self-reflection, and a genuine willingness to change. Parents need to develop more respect for their adult child's choice of partner and value that person's perspective, even when it differs from their own.

Remember, your adult child's significant other is now their primary relationship. By respecting and valuing this relationship, you're showing respect for your adult child's autonomy and judgment.

Reflective Questions:

How do you typically respond to your adult child's significant other's opinions or suggestions?
Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying, "That's not how we do things in our family"?
What steps can you take to build a more respectful, inclusive relationship with your adult child's partner?

Pitfall 3: To Bail or Not To Bail (and I don’t mean jail or a boat)

Financial independence is a crucial aspect of adulthood, yet many parents find themselves repeatedly rescuing their adult children from financial difficulties. While the intention is to help, constantly bailing them out financially can hinder their growth and development as responsible adults.

I often share the story of a family that implemented a gradual approach to financial responsibility. When their child got their first vehicle, the parents made it clear that the young adult would be responsible for paying the auto insurance. This became their first significant financial responsibility, requiring them to work and step into independence one bit at a time.

This approach wasn't always easy. There were months when the young adult struggled to make payments, and the parents were tempted to step in. However, by allowing their child to experience the natural consequences of financial responsibility, they helped build important life skills and confidence.

The challenge for many parents is distinguishing between genuine need and enabling financial dependence. Your adult child may want everything right now ~ the nice apartment, the new car, the latest technology ~ but learning to wait, save, and prioritize is an essential part of adulthood. When there is an emergent need such as a car repair it is important to help them, but it’s also important for them to understand the terms of this loan . . . not a gift. Treat it as a loan and that will also teach them the responsibility of paying rent or a mortgage in the future. We all have a bit of instant gratification desire, but patience and persistence are important lessons too.

Reflective Questions:

What was your own experience of having to wait for things when you were younger?
What strengths might you be building in your adult child by not giving them everything they want immediately?
How can you support your adult child's financial growth without undermining their independence?

Embracing the Journey

Parenting adult children is a continuous journey of growth, adaptation, and learning. By avoiding these common pitfalls—expecting constant maturity, dismissing their partner's input, and enabling financial dependence—you can build stronger, more peaceful relationships with your adult children.

Remember, it's never too late to change your approach. Each interaction is an opportunity to strengthen your bond and deepen your understanding of one another.

As you navigate this journey, be gentle with yourself and your adult children. You're all learning and growing together. And if you find yourself struggling, know that support is available. Sometimes, a little guidance can make all the difference in transforming challenging relationships into fulfilling ones.

This blog post is based on concepts from my book, "Peacefully Parenting Adult Children." For more in-depth guidance and personal coaching, or 4-hour VIP days on navigating relationships with your adult children, message me here.